The 'Un-Routine'

The 'Un-Routine' 

As an adoptive parent, it is the 'routine' events in life that grieve my heart the most.  They are the promises that  we will experience the 'un-routine' as our children's worldview and frame of reference are forever altered to be challenged by the 'routine'.  The extreme happy, scary and sad times have proved over the past 7 years of this beautiful journey to ride the highest of highs and lowest of lows (sometimes within the same few minutes, over and over again).  

Points taken:

This week, we had a 'routine' well visit (a.k.a. shots) for Bereket and Joey.  Joey sits in the waiting room happy and joyful (as usual) - enjoying the extra 2 on 1 attention of mommy in the moment (as the other 4 children were at home).  Bereket, on the other hand, is pacing the waiting room.  "Mommy, my stomach hurts - I don't like to come here."  His frame of reference screams to his soul - 'be scared of this experience as you know it is lonely and painful'.  The nurse calls their names and they bound, skip, jump (literally) down the hallway in typical boy fashion to the scales.  The nurse is immediately irritated by their 'energy' and my heart sinks as she speaks firmly to my boys.  Bereket is fidgeting all over the scales, touching every possible item and speaking in his typically loud and nervous fashion.  His frame of reference, since the moment he was abandoned, had bacterial meningitis and 3 long term hospitalizations in Ethiopia with noone to hold him in their arms, sing sweet lullabies of God's promises, and be willing to sacrifice all of their earthly energy to show their precious child he is loved (in the fashion that we, as parents, have had the privilege of lavishing on our biological children)  ....is to fear...and shut down to avoid the pain that is too deep to bear of being alone.  

We make it through the doctor portion pf the visit (barely).  For any of you that parent the wonderful challenge of energetic boys - you know the picture (volume, pitch, activity, redirection, exhausting every bit of energy to find productive ways to entertain in the wait...all a privilege and season the Lord Himself has called us to and equipped us through).  Then come the shots...

The nurse walks back into the room...already exasperated by the thought of this experience.  She is unaware that I have been praying for her since the moment she called my boys names and made the comment, "boy, they sure are excited." while walking back to the scales.  I initial the 5 vaccinations that each boy needs and we proceed.  Time always stands still for me in these moments of trauma for my sweet children.  Why?  I do not know the answer, but I believe the Lord has given me this gift of pain & suffering so that I can catch a tiny glimpse of the pain that my adoptive children experience - so that my heart can grow to a size that is difficult to bear so I can be equipped for the challenge of loving them through the ridiculous that we often experience.  It is ridiculous to the world's eyes as they see it as 'behavior' - it is ridiculous to me as I now see it as unacceptable that any child should have to suffer such trauma because their frame of reference as been altered by the devastating reality of sin in this world.  Immediately, Bereket goes into panic mode.  Screaming, crying, refusing to be consoled.  His eyes literally change shape and gloss over as he no longer sees me as mom.  He is begging, literally, to be pardoned from this deep pain that is resonating with his soul and it has nothing...nothing to do with the shots he is about to be given.  His pitiful panicked voice screams, "no...don't hold me!  let me sit up...don't hold me!"  The nurse is losing patience and she begins to raise her voice and sternly says to him, "you have to stop!"  This is my breaking point.  I don't expect everyone to understand,  but I have learned over the past 4 years that it is my duty, as his mother, to educate the ignorant  (not necessarily intentionally, but ignorant none the less) in the immediate to protect his soul.  As I am physically struggling with my panicked (in every way) 5 year old, my eyes meet hers and say, "He is NOT going to settle down.  You MUST be patient and DO YOUR JOB right NOW!"  When she is finished, I scoop my sweet, BROKEN (again) precious boy into my arms and attempt to console him.  He wants me, but is unable to allow himself to melt into me.  I hold his stiff little body against mine until he is able to submit while I whisper all the assurances the Lord gives me to tell him.  I am making her wait for me to finish loving on him (as Joey is still waiting for his vaccines) and she is speechless.  I am unsure if she understands the gravity of the situation, but I pray that the Father of the fatherless is softening her heart as she observes.  

Next it is Joey's turn and he clings to me (not resists) as if his life depends on it.  When his shots are done, he melts into my arms and KNOWS that he is safe.

It is the 'routine' that I carry the most grief for.  I pray, like my very depends on it (because I know that my adoptive children's lives do depend on it), that with each 'un-routine' event in their lives...it becomes more 'routine' as the Healer tirelessly works to bring redemption to their broken beginnings.

This journey of redemption for my children is beautiful...and painful....and I love it, even though it is difficult  to bear for I would not understand the love of my Father in such depth if He hadn't chosen me to be their mommy...

I am a soldier

I am a soldier...

What is a soldier?  One source tells me that "a soldier is someone trained for the government to use heavy weaponry in a war or attack on a group of people.  A soldier is very brave and will kill the enemy if necessary for his/her survival."  This speaks volumes to me as I seek to arm myself to conquer the enemy of my children’s souls.  I am being trained by the King of Kings (Isaiah 9:6 “and the government will be on His shoulders) to attack the enemy – the deceiver.  I have been given heavy weaponry (Ephesians 6:10-18 “put on the full armor of God so you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes”) and I will fight the enemy unto death (Revelation 20:10 “and the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of fire…and will be tormented day and night forever”).  I am a soldier…

I have 6 beautiful children whom I love to the very core of my being.  I have always recognized the battle against the enemy that we must engage in for our children’s souls.  It is easy to relate to as the enemy fights tirelessly for my soul in much the same ways each day.  My oldest children are only 11 and I have often had the luxury of picturing this battle in my mind as a nerf sword fight…”use kind words” (thump, thump goes the nerf sword)…”say please & thank you” (thump, thump..)…”love Jesus with all your heart” (thump, thump…)…”hands are for helping & holding, not hurting” (thump, thump sounds the nerf sword). I am even able to picture myself with a nice outfit on, cute heeled shoes and lipstick – still able to gain victory over these battles. Now, don’t get me wrong, those are all battle-worthy causes that I continue to fight daily, but I have been called to a higher battleground.

 

I am a soldier and I have entered a new battlefield.  It is the battlefield of abandonment, RAD, PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, fear, doubt, and rage.  I had to lay down my nerf sword and choose a new weapon, for the battle set before me is fierce, violent, raging and real.  The battle set before me will end in death and the cost is high; for my children’s souls will not fall victim to the ‘devil’s schemes’.  The bible reminds me to “Be self controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour” 1 Peter 5:8.  The enemy rejoiced when my children were abandoned, figuring it would be an easy win for their souls; until the Lord, in all His Mighty Splendor, crushed the enemy’s head as He reached down, gathered them into His arms and whispered to their broken spirits, “you are mine dear child and I am taking you on a redemption journey.  I have chosen soldiers to battle for your soul and they will not stop fighting until we win the war”.  I am a soldier – I was chosen by the King of Kings for battle & I refuse to lose.

Satan has known no fury greater than that of a parent waging war for their beloved children for it is the same fury that my Father in Heaven battles for my soul & reigns victorious each day.  When I rise each morning, I bask in the promise of Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Then, I reach for my armor which is heavy, strong and made of the finest materials.  It fits perfectly as it was crafted by the Creator of the universe just for me.  I can hear the clang of the metal as I cover my chest and the snap of the buckles against the metal as I fasten each piece, but the part of this morning routine that resonates with my soul is when I slowly and with great intention pull my sword from its sheath.  It is very sharp and the sound of metal on metal, “shiiiiiiiiiiing!” as it is invited to go before me into battle humbly reminds me, that I am a soldier...  I have been given the ‘sword of the spirit’ as my weapon of choice and I will fight to win the victory until death & redemption prevail…

Positioned for Battle

We have been an blended adoptive/biological/multi-racial family for almost 4 years...surely we have it all figured out by now, right?! We have caught our stride and have made great gains over these years, but, as I reflect on them I am keenly aware of the pattern of stride...pause...reverse... and then stride again in our steps. It is the natural progression of a wounded heart...it is a pattern that has forever altered my adoptive children's stride in life. But, it is the Lord's redemptive hand that continues to faithfully bring them through to striding forward that we rest upon.

As an adoptive mother, I have taken a large step in my journey over the past few weeks. I have been quietly listening to a battle that has been raging in the hearts of some of my children. The Lord did not create me with a personality that allows me to ignore the obvious in my children. Having said that, I think He has also allowed me a certain time of observation before He called me to fully engage in this battle that has been set before me.

A few weeks ago, I called Barnes & Noble to see if they had a book I was looking for. They set it aside for me and I went right there to pick it up. I walked into the store and up to the counter (all very mechanical, rushed and typical of my style of 'running errands'), asked for the book being saved for me.....and then time suddenly, silently went into slow motion for me. I have learned over the years, that this is the Lord's intro for me to brace myself because I am entering Holy ground. For me, Holy ground is any place that the Lord positions me to embrace something greater than myself - He carries me into it and remains there with me until He carries me out. In slow motion, the woman behind the counter slid a simple purple colored book across the counter and my eyes met the title and read to my soul, "When Love is not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder" while I gazed at the picture of a teddy bear with it's arm ripped off on the cover... My eyes filled with tears as my heart, perhaps for the first time, allowed itself to embrace the reality of the battle I have been sitting on the sidelines listening to. I am not a 'cry-er' - I reserve this emotion for the privacy of my alone time, but when the Lord places me on Holy ground, He breaks me... I paid for the book as the tears started running down my face and rushed to the door just in time to sob my way back to the van... I clutched the book in my hands and cried out to the Lord for the hurts of my precious wounded children's hearts. And then, I dried my tears, took up my cross and entered the battle field. I am David facing Goliath ... I am small and insignificant without the fancy weapons preferred for battle nor the armor to protect me from injury (I prefer to experience the hurt of my wounded children than shield myself from harm). But! I am a warrior - my strength is in the Lord and He WILL reign victorious in the hearts of my children.

"David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty," 1 Samuel 17:45

Aiden's 9th Birthday

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDEN!!!

Happy Birthday to our sweet, loving, generous, kind, insightful, helpful, energetic, passionate little man Aiden Michael. The Lord has created him with a unique set of personality traits and it brings such joy to my heart to watch him grow and mature into a wonderfully sweet young man. The Lord is already using Him to do great things for His kingdom and it is my heart's cry to watch him grow more and more in love with the Lord with each passing year.

Thank you for the joy you bring to our lives sweet Aiden!!

Christmas Letter 2011

Christmas 2011

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”  Isaiah 9:6   While this is a beautiful verse for Christmas, these attributes of our sweet Savior, Jesus, are the very living hope we cling to each day throughout the year.  As we reflect on the year, we humbly give God the glory for our joys as well as thank Him for His faithfulness in times where our posture brought us to our knees at the foot of the cross in complete dependence on Him.

We rejoiced in celebrating 15 wonderful years of marriage this year (19 years together); the fruits of hard work!  Thank you, Jesus, for your faithful presence in our lives and for your Word, which gives direction and life to marriage.  Joe continues to work for Kettering University as Facilities Architect & Planner and Angie continues to enjoy most days at home while also working as an occupational therapist 1 day/week for Rainbow Rehabilitation with traumatic brain injured clients.     

Our 6-pack of blessings continue to fill our lives with great joy and purpose!  We continue to home educate and started a Faith Community Homeschool this year with 13 other families.  We have been blessed beyond measure by this journey!  We spend 2 full days per week together learning history, literature, writing, church history and science through the lens of biblical worldview.  We are very proud of the spiritual and academic accomplishments of each of the kids. 

Muaz is nearly 11 years old, 5’2”, 95# and wearing a size 9 shoe.  He is a constant reminder to us that God is quickly growing our boys into young men. He picked up his soccer cleats again this year after taking a year to explore other sports.  The Lord has gifted him with great skills and as we watch his passion, dedication and drive mature, we praise the Lord for His work in Muaz’s life.  Ethan is nearly 11 and quickly catching up to his mama in height as well.  He has a competitive and hard working spirit and channels his athletic and leadership talents into football and baseball.  Aiden is nearly 9 and enjoys baking with mom, writing notes and playing baseball.  He has a sweet spirit and is a wonderful helper.  As the boys’ passion for athletics increases, so does their dependence on the Lord as the giver of their athletic gifts.  The Lord honors that which we commit to Him, and it was a blessing to pray the very same scriptures over them that they had committed to memory during their sports seasons this year. 

Eliana continues to enjoy American Heritage Girls, is a gifted reader and does very well in school.  Bereket has made great gains emotionally and developmentally this year – all glory to God for his progress.  He is doing well with his eye prosthesis and wearing glasses now as well.  Sweet Joey is the family comedian and is growing up way too fast.  The Asperger house is officially without diapers for the first time in 10 years…. (tear in mommy’s eye).

Life is good.  God is good.  Life is good because God is good.  We have been gifted with 6 precious children from 3 very different beginnings, which keeps us on our knees daily before a faithful Lord.  You can follow our journey at:  faith4thejourney.blogspot.com  My New Year’s Resolution is to be a faithful blogger again, so subscribe to keep me accountable!  :o)

May the love of Jesus fill your hearts and homes this year…

In His Grip-

The Asperger 8

In The Trenches

The Asperger house is filled with a quiet stillness that begs me to bask in the silence and reflect on the journey of life...parenting...homeschooling...the gift of marriage...loving and serving a Sovereign Lord with every minute of every day.

Where do I begin to download...

I live in a house filled with noise...6 children often "make a joyful noise unto the Lord" and sometimes my 'sensory-sensitive self' finds it...very loud. Moments such as these, with 6 sleeping angels, leave me to my thoughts, which I often crave in the noise of a productive day. On this day, my thoughts are filled with joy, burden, deep love and sorrow all at the same time.

The past few weeks, I wish to label as "in the trenches" of parenting and life in general for the Asperger family. As an adoptive parent, I often wrestle with when to share the stories of my children and when to keep them private, but often I am prompted by the Lord that someone out there needs to know that they are not alone "in the trenches" of this blessed & difficult journey of redemption for our wounded children.

"Only 7 years..."

A phrase spoken by my 10 year old Ethiopian son a few weeks ago that continues to resonate to my very soul. In the midst of a busy morning, a casual conversation ensued about what time mom went to bed last night. I honestly stated that it was about 12:00 am when mom went to bed and I arose to the alarm at 5:45. My oldest boys commented that "you must be tired", "do you wish you got more sleep" and I honestly replied that it is ok..."I only get 18 years to parent each of you as my children and I will have plenty of time to rest when you are grown". At this very moment, the Lord directed my gaze to my 10 year old Ethiopian son. I looked into his eyes and stated, "and I have only been given the gift of 11 with you, so I don't want to waste a minute of it". We exchanged a smile and then I saw a look on his face that I have grown to love and dread at the same time. After a few thoughtful moments, his reply was, "....so mama Medina only got 7 years...". This is my son, whom I know, beyond the shadow of doubt, loves and is fully bonded to us as his parents. I also know, beyond the shadow of doubt, that he has another mom, in Ethiopia, of whom the Lord Himself chose for Him to born to, that he loves and should not be denied the gift of loving still.

In the routine of a typical busy morning, for a brief moment, we shared a quick moment that I have grown to love in this journey of redemption for my wounded children...our eyes met and I said to my son, "...you are right honey...and I am so glad that we know she accepted Jesus as her Savior so we can spend eternity with her in heaven. The bible states that when we get to heaven, this time on earth will feel like the blink of an eye..." We exchanged a smile that cannot be described in words...time did not stand still...the noise did not cease in the house...but, the Spirit of the Lord was upon us.

Parenting wounded children is Holy ground. I do not know how one would tread this water without full, undeniable trust in the Lord because every moment counts and there is often no time to ponder over the best response or read up on the latest literature. It is in the moment that it counts and I praise the Lord that I can fully rely upon His Spirit at work in me to adequately do the job He has called me to do.

In those moments I find myself loving mama Medina with a depth that has no earthly comprehension. She has given me the gift of another level of accountability that I do not have to entertain with my biological children. I am always accountable to God for parenting all of my children with intention and purpose to bring Him glory. However, I met mama Medina...I hugged her with my own arms...I watched her face light up when she saw her sons and held them in her arms...I heard her pleas for their well being with my own ears...and I watched her walk out the orphanage gates and leave her sons with us as our son (hers & ours) stood, silently weeping as she walked away... I cannot deny her mother's heart and I have chosen to be accountable to her as well as the Lord. I think of her with every decision we make for our boys...it is painful and it is good. It is the cry of my heart that I will be able to embrace her this side of heaven and thank her for her presence in my life. She has left a 'heart-print' that will eternally impact the way I parent all of our children.

"Why didn't she stop to help me?!"

One evening last week, I stopped in Eliana's room to help her clean up before bed. Out of nowhere she stated, "I miss Guatemala". Eliana arrived home at 6 months of age and has no intentional recollection of Guatemala...but her soul continues to beg for answers to the pain of abandonment she carries deep in her heart.

"What do you mean?" I ask her, always waiting to hear her heart versus putting thoughts into her head. She breaks down into sobbing tears and says, "I miss mama Elvira". "What do you mean?" I ask. "I am sad that she didn't get to be my mom...I wanted her to be able to be my mom". Once again, Eliana loves us and is fully bonded to us, but children becoming orphans was not part of God's glorious design...sin entered the world and there begins the plight of the orphan. I give her the standard line, "Eliana...mama Elvira could not take care of you and she loved you enough that she did the very best thing for you...God chose us to be your parents and we are so blessed that He chose us." Eliana's response (still sobbing), "I know, BUT...Why didn't she stop to help me? I needed her to help me and to be my mommy!" These are the moments that my heart shatters into a million pieces. I can love her...nurture her...hug her...tell her I love her...adore her, but it will never take away the deep wound of abandonment in her heart. I cannot fix that for her. So I sit on her floor, rocking her in my arms, tears running down my face...grateful that our Abba Father is cradling both of us in His arms as we rock back and forth... In time, as she grows closer to the Lord, I pray that she will find rest in knowing Her Savior "never left her or forsake her", but for now...I pray the Lord can use my human-ness to show her His redeeming love.

Although, at times I am weary "in the trenches"... I am forever grateful that God called me to this journey. For if I had never sat in the trenches with His children, I may never have known the "love the Father has lavished upon us", I may never have learned to trust Him the way I do today and I would have never witnessed the courage that He has given my precious children on their redemption journies... thank you Jesus for your Holy ground... and for each and every moment you craddle us through...

"Orphanology" Musings

It is summer time and I have been enjoying the leisure activity of reading (something unrelated to our homeschool subject matter) this past week. Thanks to the book, Orphanology, by Tony Merida & Rick Morton, I have been given the gift of weeping for the orphan many times this week. Summer is a down time for our orphan ministry and often a time of reflecting and planning for the upcoming year. The gift of weeping for the orphan ignites a passion that God has placed deep in my soul. Passion (the whisper/shout of the Lord) + Action (choosing to BE the hands & feet of Christ) = Life Change (hope renewed, the gospel lived out)

During the school year, it is difficult for me to find time to sit, ponder and process emotion...to be still in the presence of the Lord and feel Him tug my heart. My days are filled with purpose and service to Him through my children, my husband, my patients, our orphan ministry...all good wonderful things. But, my soul grows hungry for time to be still with the Lord and bask in His presence. I crave time to think; without being rushed or preoccupied with the list of items (though necessary & good) begging to be completed in order to ensure that life runs smoothly. Sadly, that is the 'Martha' versus 'Mary' in me that I often pray to find a better balance between in my life.

Orphanology is a book about the theological basis for adoption and the responsibility of the church to respond to the orphan crisis. I will be blogging as the Lord speaks to me through this powerful book, but here is a quote to wet your palate...

"Jesus Christ alone had all the right qualifications to save us and make us children of God. Only Jesus was qualified to redeem and adopt me because only He is the God-man." I am adopted into God's family only through the death of my Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross and my decision to accept Christ as my Savior. Without my adoption, I would be lost to sin and spend eternity in hell. Adopting children into loving families is the passion of my heart, but experiencing the love of a family here on earth pales in comparison to the gift of spending eternity in heaven. Fatherless children deserve to be adopted into christian homes ... they deserve the gift of eternal life...